'Twas The Night Before Christmas
By Harvey Ehrlich
'Twas the night before Christmas, and Santa's a wreck. How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves;" "Vertically Challenged," they were calling themselves...
And labor conditions at the north pole? They were alleged by the union to stifle the soul! Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety: Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. Equal employment had made it quite clear; Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet, and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs... And you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh. The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops, When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened; His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing for the use of his nose. (He went on Geraldo, in front of the nation; Demanding millions in over-due compensation!)
So half of the reindeer were gone--along with Santa's wife, Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life! She joined a self-help group and left in a whiz, Demanding from now that on her title be "Ms."
And as for the gifts, why, Santa ne'er had a notion, That making a choice could cause so much commotion: Nothing of leather, nothing of fur; Which meant nothing for him, and nothing for her; Nothing that might be construed to pollute; Nothing to aim, nothing to shoot; Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise; Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys; Nothing that claimed to be gender specific; Nothing that's warlike, or non-pacific; No candy or sweets (they were bad for the tooth); Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth... And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie dolls--better off hidden: They raised the hackles of those psychological, Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt! Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would just rot your brain away.
So Santa stood there, disheveled and perplexed; He just couldn't figure out what he'd do next. He tried to be merry, and tried to be gay, But ... you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, and limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was within to be found. Something was needed -- a gift that he might, Give to all, without angering the left or the right: A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, holding every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere... Even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc. should be made to firstname.lastname@example.org. Happy Holidays!